Uncovering Your Ancestor's Story

Researching family can be tricky.  There is always at least one ancestor that everybody tip toes around, or when asked about the conversation simply gets shut down because its either too painful to talk about or there is “shame” attached to it.  Shame is a powerful word, but it has been in my own personal experience that talking out loud about ‘things’ can give context and understanding of what happened which allows us to move forward. 

So how do you research something no one wants to talk about?  A gentler approach when talking to your family may work by asking, “I am really interested in understanding what happened”, or “I understand its painful to talk about it, but when you are ready, I really want to understand and hear that story”, but even that may not work.

What do you do when they are ready to share the story? There is a lot to be considered like how long ago did it take place?  Is the person telling you the story objectively?  Were they a witness to the story or is it hearsay?  Regardless of how they remember it, somewhere within that story there are clues to help you to start piecing it together.  Now the real research begins finding documents and sources to support what happened.

Let me just say that talking out loud about “stuff’ has really brought me a lot of personal healing. For me asking the hard questions has always resulted in a more peaceful me.  I know not everyone feels this way, but for me it works, and with the support of documents it can certainly give you a new perspective.  Context helps us consider what was acceptable during that time to appreciate why the story was kept quiet.  Even after you put all of your research together, and you want to share the story with others,  you then have to consider one more thing, permission.  Is it your story to tell?  Who will it affect? What do you do with it when you get permission?  Is it already public knowledge?  Hold that thought.

I had one ancestor that no one felt comfortable talking in detail about, and it just so happens to be a person that I was named after.  I knew enough that it wasn’t that she was a bad person, but over time it became clear that she was very loved, and she just simply had a short life that was difficult.  The person that gave a voice to this person’s story was my grandfather.  He was the youngest child of my maternal great grandmother Carrie Stapley.  My grandfather was a writer of sorts, and I believe through this writing he was able to process the good and the bad parts of his life which created a lot of healing for him.  It was his wish that his life story would be placed in a book for others to read, which would put into perspective all that he and many others had accomplished in his 30 years of being a pastor.  Although he had passed away in 1998, his wish became realized in 2008. 

With his story now public knowledge I now understand why his mother’s story was an uncomfortable story to talk about? In 1910 my grandfather was born and only one month later his father passed away after a week of being ill.  Shelter and food would be a priority for his mother Carrie, and in the 1911 Canadian census we find her with children living with her parents Charlotte and Daniel Stapley.  Three years later she is married to Joseph Pratt in Belleville Ontario.  This is the part where we can start creating context to bring understanding of what would follow. 

By 1917 there are now 4 children in the household and the world is in the throws of WW1.  What was noted in my grandfather’s book were memories of a very abusive stepfather who drank a lot. There are no documents to help understand if Joseph had served at all in the war to bring some reasoning to his behaviour, simply memories from a dark time.  What we do understand from Canada’s history is that WW1 impacted the economy, politics, and social lives.  Life was hard for them, and it was going to get harder.   A stillborn birth in 1920, and yet another in 1922 taking the life of  Carrie Stapley in childbirth.  At this time my grandfather is 12 years old with his sister 14 now orphans. 

This information certainly frames for us why a family would not want to share this story.  However, when we understand what historical events were happening, and what family expectations were, it brings some perspective of how life changed, and how people struggled dealing with it.  The transition of never being a father, the weight of responsibility of feeding 4 children, loss of children and the chaos of the world at War could have been contributing factors.  It does not justify the abuse that my grandfather encountered but it can certainly put the story into a different light.   Keeping in mind how my grandfather must have felt, its amazing how his story turned out.  Even after all the experiences that my grandfather had he was able to forgive Joseph, create a beautiful family, give back to his community and build a life that he was proud to have lived.

Research diligently, respect those not ready to share, and if able always look for the good in everyone’s journey.

Copyright @C.J. Scott 2025